09 March 2009

Financial crisis humour - necessary cost cutting

Here is an excerpt from a piece from the New Yorker:

"Mr. Pepall, every day is now casual Friday for you. In fact, you don’t even have to bother getting out of bed. If time is money, mazel tov—you are now a rich man.

To those of you in Quality Control: As indicated by the new sign in your rest room, employees must wash their hands before not returning to work. If you don’t understand what that means, ask Mr. Pepall.

It has come to our attention that certain persons feel that executive-compensation packages have been unduly awarded. Management has zero tolerance for negativity. Moreover, now is not the time to play “the blame game.” In days like these, we must tighten our belts and be team players. Note: Anyone who received a signing bonus will be required to return it, posthaste, with interest. In fairness, senior V.P.s were asked to give back the income from last year’s exercised options, but they concluded that the calculation would be difficult and onerous.

Finally, we’d like to announce, with tremendous relief, that once Mr. Pepall and the folks in Quality Control go (and after Mr. Sonnenfeld is replaced with voice mail) no further layoffs are foreseen this quarter. From now on, however, we will operate as a “Stage 2 Company.” Anyone wishing to retain his or her job must therefore: (1) obtain an updated photo I.D. (available through Mr. Pepall) and (2) furnish your own salary."

Here is the full piece.

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